Eric and Ernie

Hardly in a league with the big man himself, but this has been knocking about my head for a while.

[ERNIE is centre stage reading a large, red leather bound book, he looks deep in thought. ERIC enters from stage left. He spots ERNIE and walks over.]



ERIC: Where is he then?

ERNIE: Where is who?

ERIC: The Irish fella.

ERNIE: [Now irritated, lowering his book] What ‘Irish fella’?

ERIC: For, you know – [He points at the book and loudly hums the ‘This is Your Life’ tune].

ERNIE: [Rolling his eyes]. Give over, don’t be silly. This isn’t for that.

ERIC: What? But it’s my turn, Ern. Turn Ern! Ha!

ERNIE: Dear oh dear, this merely confirms everything I’ve been reading.

ERIC: What’s that?

ERNIE: You’re a Conflicted Egoist.

ERIC: I am not! I’m Church of England! [ERIC bends forward and points to his head] See that, straight in the font as a baby and that happened!

ERNIE: No! This is about Psychoanalysis.

ERIC: Oh! I see.

ERNIE: Mmm-hmm.

ERIC: Psycho. Analysis.


ERIC: Does it review any other films or just Psycho?

ERNIE: Good Lord, no! This is about Sigmund Freud.

ERIC: A brilliant goalkeeper!

ERNIE: No, the psychiatrist. This book is all about exploring your phobias.

ERIC: My phobias?

ERNIE: [Glares at ERIC] Your phobias.

ERIC: [ERIC suddenly looks worried.] Oh. Right. Do I have many of them?

ERNIE: I’ve identified a small portion.

ERIC: Fair enough, but what about my phobias?

ERNIE: [Groans] Look, I’ll read them out you try and guess what they are.


ERNIE: Aerophobia.

ERIC: Fear of chocolate bars.

ERNIE: Fear of Flying actually.

ERIC: Fine.

ERNIE: Francophobia.

ERIC: Fear of people called Frank.

ERNIE: It’s a fear of the French.

ERIC: Well we all suffer from that.

ERNIE: I don’t.

ERIC: You’ve never been there.

ERNIE: Agoraphobia.

ERIC: We’re all frightened of a bit of Aggro aren’t we? Especially in France.

ERNIE: No, it’s a fear of wide open spaces.

ERIC: [Reaching for ERNIE’S hair] Like the space between your… that [Tugs on the hair] and your head? Ha! You can’t see the join.

ERNIE: Do you mind? [ERIC steps back.] Dik-eh-phobia.

ERIC: Well I don’t want to say!

ERNIE: It’s a fear of justice.

ERIC: Dikephobia? A fear of justice? That’ll never stand up in court.

ERNIE: OK, OK, last one…


ERNIE: Tri-deka-phobia.

ERIC: Fear… of very tall buses!

ERNIE: No, you fool, it’s fear of the number 13!

ERIC: The Number 13 is very tall bus!